Reading this might be the most important
Losing a child at 14 or 30 years old isn’t natural to the surviving parents and siblings. It shatters core beliefs and assumptions about the world and the expectations about how life should unfold. And unless you have lost a child (even if you have living children), you won’t understand. And that’s OK.
It’s also OK that you’ll never have the perfect words or things to do about grief. What is possible is simple outreach and suggestions on what to avoid. Check out the below for more information.
Where you can start….supporting grieving parents and their family
What are helpful things to say or do:
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Acknowledging the loss and grief the parents are experiencing is appreciated. These words are simple and that’s OK.
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Parents and siblings will love and grieve the lost child for a lifetime. Do not pray or encourage them to finish grieving, get back to their old selves, move on, or forget. It is not going to happen. Remember, their life is forever different.
Instead, be patient as you get to know their new normal, which they are also learning about. When you find yourself tired of listening, remind yourself that they are far more sick and tired of grieving than you are of listening.
There will be setbacks for the parents or siblings. Be patient during those times. Always accept and acknowledge their pain, whether it has been 10 days or 10 years since their loss.
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It's common for parents to receive a lot of attention when a child dies (rightly so). Also, remember that grandparents, siblings, and other family members lose a child, and they appreciate outreach as well.
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Again, no perfect words and that’s OK. Acknowledgement of the loss is key. It’s helpful for the grieving to know you are care and are thinking of them.
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If you knew the child, talk about any memories you may have. Of course, tears will be shed – but that is natural and nothing to be worried about. It may be a temporary release that brings some relief to the bereaved.
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Grief never ends; it’s infinite. Acknowledging this and telling the bereaved you are thinking of them, telling them you’re sorry, any kind gesture is welcomed.
What are hurtful things to say or do:
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If the grieving parent has not expressed this first as their belief, it can come across as dismissive, can attach guilt related to anger with God, or misses the mark for those who do not believe in God.
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Unless you have had a child die (even if you have living children), you don’t know and that’s OK.
Most mental health professionals agree that child loss is probably the most difficult loss anyone has to bear.
Check out this link for what bereaved parents want you to know.
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No acknowledgment of a parents’ loss is especially painful. There are no perfect words or gestures and that’s OK. Simply saying “I’m sorry, or I’m thinking of you.” is enough.
Remember, it’s not up to the grieving parent to make you feel comfortable. They are managing to get through the day.
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Not offering advice is hard for those of us who want to help. Living through the grief the parent is experiencing, waking up each day, is sometimes all they can handle.
Avoid giving them more responsibility than that, including their own self-care.
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Every day, hour, second IS the hardest for the parents and family members who have lost a child.
What is helpful about pointing out that more hard times are coming? Would you want to hear that?
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When you survive loss, everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are or to tell you to ‘stay strong.’
But truthfully, you don’t have a choice. Because grieving parents do crumble AND get up another day, care for their living children, and go back to work. Strong isn’t a choice with grief.